Welcome to the 2nd annual drunk mock draft, Sports Informal’s take on the widely popular guessing game that every football nerd decides to partake in. Everyone and their grandma does a “mock draft” right around the time before the actually NFL draft commences. Let me set the scene for you, you ever pre-game just a little too hard for your leagues fantasy football draft and start letting the booze do the thinking? I have, drunken confidence is never a good thing when you’re drafting, all of the sudden you have 3 WR’s and a defense in the first 4 rounds.
While everyone is taking their methodical approach to their mock drafts as if everyone thinks that they are Mel Kiper Jr. I’m taking an ass-backwords, booze brained, wild look at what would happen if the GM’s treated this 2020 NFL Draft like this……….
So let us get started, the first 10 picks of the NFL Draft all done……inebriated and incoherent.
1. Miami Dolphins- (Trade from Cincinnati) Selects Joe Burrow QB
Alright to start things off, we have a WILD ONE. Duke Tobin is effectively the guy who does the drafting for the Bengals and he kind of looks like a less successful Jeff Bezos.
Anyways Mr. Tobin strikes as a chardonnay guy, and he’d have to be 2+ bottles deep before deciding that Joe Burrow’s hands are too small and he seems like a douche. He gets on the phone with Dolphins GM Chris Grier and trades down from #1 to get Miami’s #5 and #18 1st round picks. Miami selects Joe Burrow at #1. Get ready for Florida Mr. Burrow, those people are nuts.
2. Washington Redskins – Selects Tua Tagovailoa QB
Ya that just happened. I honestly don’t think I’ve seen a single mock draft where the Redskins weren’t taking DL Chase Young who is widely considered the best overall player in this entire draft. I also honestly don’t think I could tell you who is the final word on who this organization drafts, I guess we could say new head coach Ron Rivera is assuming that role for now. So Ron Rivera comes in, realizes that Haskins is just a steaming pile of poo at the position and can’t afford to start his new tenure with him, and ol’ Riverboat Ron gambles on Tua while throwing back homemade moonshine.
3. Detroit Lions – Selects Chase Young DL
Sometimes when one of your friends is trying to hit on a girl but he’s just way too far gone and sloppy drunk, that she ends up trying to talk to you. The Lions are the less drunk friend in this scenario and Chase Young is that hot girl that you just got the number from. Won’t matter Lions will still suck and all of Detroit will remain in a perpetual hangover.
4. New York Giants – Selects Mekhi Becton OL
Dave Gettleman gets a lot of heat for the shit that he pulls as GM of the New York Giants. New York is a tough market and would push anyone to drink, sometimes you can actually play it safe when you’re wasted. I see a lot of mocks having the Giants take LB Isaiah Simmons, but they need to protect the Eli Manning clone known as Daniel Jones.
5. Cincinnati Bengal – Selects Justin Herbert QB
This should piss people off, which is good because that’s what being drunk is supposed to do. The Bengals see something in Justin Herbert, they love him and they drunkenly call him at 3am crying while professing their love. Justin Herbert is going to Cincinnati instead of Burrow. Could you imagine the boo’s? Hilarious. This is like Mitch Trubisky all over again. Oof.
6. Los Angeles Chargers – Selects Jordan Love QB
The Los Angeles Chargers don’t have a quarterback, and every year there is that one QB that no one really had high on the radar that sneaks up into the top of the first round. The Chargers love, Jordan Love and who couldn’t. He seems to have a high upside about him, this is all just a wild booze filled adventure anyways.
7. Carolina Panthers – Select Henery Ruggs III WR
You would think with highly sought after linebacker, Isiah Simmons being available still, that Carolina would grab him. Yes they most certainly would……sober, but they are drinking some vodka red bulls and got sexually excited about the 4.27sec 40yrd dash that Ruggs ran at the combine. Flashes of Tyreek Hill swirled around in their heads as they look to make a shocking pick at #7.
8. Arizona Cardinals – Select Jedrick Wills Jr. OL
Ya nothing wild here. Arizona has a horrible O-line and they need to protect their new little quarterback pal from getting his eggs scrambled this upcoming year. Hopkins and Fitzgerald can’t catch many balls with Murray getting suplexed in the backfield WWE style. I would imagine even a wasted Steve Keim wouldn’t mess this one up.
9. Jacksonville Jaguars – Select CeeDee Lamb WR
Just looking at Gardner Minshew II makes me want to drink something potent.
This is his team now, no speculating. Now you have an emerging WR star in D.J. Chark paired with arguably the best WR in this years draft. This is a Jaguars fans wet dream, other than Minshews’ mustache.
10. Cleveland Browns – Select Isaiah Simmons LB
The Browns desperately need help at the offensive line position, thats why I have GM Andrew Berry selecting the best linebacker in the draft. It’s like the most Browns thing ever if you think about it. Next season Odell Beckham will probably get wasted and start picking fights with every kicking net
Baker will openly criticize the new GM’s selection to the media and then go and throw 4 interceptions, and all this will blow over with no one remembering they should’ve bolstered the O-line during the draft.